Veronica Callanan

This has killed me my whole life, up until fairly recently I wasn’t aware that it was killing me, the lies i told myself. Then i read a book that changed my whole life, if your intrested i’ll reccomend it to you, the theme of the book was ‘living your truth’ when i read this, it was like being struck with a thunderbolt. There was no lying to myself anymore from that point. Not living my truth. up until that point my whole entire life had been a living untruth, and it was killing me. Once we uncover thqt knowledge deep inside us, its very difficult to ‘un-know’ it. Well you can, you just have to drink a lot of alcohol and a whole bunch of drugs to stifle that internal voice. You know the one i’m talking about right? if you don’t i wouldn’t bother reading any further. This will be of no intrest to you.

The lies i had been telling myself were because i wasn’t living my truth for the first 27 years of my life, i knew this on a deeper unconcious level, but was powerless to do anything about it. Which is why i ranaway from myself for so long. Its absolutely intollerable for any human being to not live their truth, if we choose not to (and yes, we always, always had a choice) then we have to work pretty hard to bury it. The reason I did this, the reason I see other people do this is because living your truth is hard, it really means going against the herd, saying uncomfortable things to people, making difficult choices. Those things in the short term don’t always seem attractive to me, in fact they look decidely unattractive because they seem to offer pain, such is the illusion because there is very little pain in living one’s truth and so much in a life time of living a lie.

It is also such a dreadful shock to realise that we are complete masters of our own destines, that everything we have, do, become is a result of what we are inside. it is sucha tremendous responsibility, i feel quiet sickened with fear at the weight of it. The relisation that i can’t blame or justify or rationalise or excuse my lack of……..my failure at……my circumstances, whatever. I am at cause. Never at effect, although i can try convincing myself otherwise at times. its just so exhausting, being responsibile for oneself, it’s madness to think that we weill settle for a lifetime of dissatisfaction rather than make a little bit of effort. Goodness, can i possible be that lazy?

So look around your world and notice how people continue to choose to lie to themselves and how they accomplish this, we do this with drink, drugs, sex, gambling, rampant consumerism, spending, celebrity worship, constant pointless activity it goes on and on and on…..and you can see the dissatisfaction and fear in the eyes of the people doing it. You know what i’m talking about right? Doesn’t it make you shudder to think about it? Because you recognise yourself? Living a life of being true to yourself, is the challenge we face as human beings, when we know this we can’t unknow. We can only choose.

And this is why i drank and why I drink no more. Because the lie will kill me quicker than the booze ever will.